The Minecraft Movie’s recent release has fascinated an entire generation of children with coal mining, subsequently causing an influx of adolescents aged 3-19 to migrate to West Virginia, revitalizing the dying industry. 

“My son yearns for the mines,” said a distressed mother while leaving the cinema after watching A Minecraft Movie.

“CHICKEN JOCKEY!” Yelled an enthusiastic seven year old boy, who had inhaled methane and respirable dust to such an extent that he was delirious. 

Due to the 1000% increase in coal production, the Earth’s average temperature has increased by five degrees in the past three days. The United Nations released a statement saying that they were “increasingly concerned” and “horrified to the utmost degree at the level of incompetence of recent energy usage in the United States.” 

 “FLINT AND STEEL!” The children in the mines replied in a formal statement issued by the National Mining Association.

AP Environmental Science Teacher Patricia Everston expressed concern at the increased disregard for sustainable energy sources since the release of the Minecraft movie.

“I expected that there would be environmental setbacks, but this is unprecedented,” said Everston.

President Donald Trump made his own statement, saying, “If this movie hadn’t been released, I would still be getting blamed for pulling out of the Paris Agreement.”

When confronted with the movie’s irrevocable damage to population centers and the environment, Jack Black was blithe in his response. 

“I’m just placing blocks and stuff because I’m in fricking Minecraft,” said Black.  

Luckily, in Alexandria, the effects of resettlement have actually caused noticeable improvements in the community. The sharp decrease has solved the ongoing overcrowding problem that has plagued Alexandria City Public Schools for years. Today, the school board announced they would be shutting down the Minnie Howard Campus as there was no longer a need for such a large high school.

“I’m just glad I won’t have to write any more articles about how annoying transportation is,” said Theogony editor Julio Jones, who had written many articles about how much it sucked to go between the two campuses. 

Unemployment levels are currently on the rise in Alexandria from resettlement. “REF DO SOMETHING” said an angry parent at an ACPS school board meeting. “THE MINECRAFT MOVIE IS DESTROYING LIVES, THESE CHILDREN NEED TO LAY OFF THE FLINT AND STEEL.”