Cassandra (17 years old): My parents want me to go to an Ivy League college, but I’m not so sure I want to. What should I do?

Answer: Dear Cassandra, since you do not seem to have opened your third eye, you may not observe that if you add up the letters of the phrase “Ivy League,” (which will produce the number nine) and multiply that number by the amount of Ivy League schools (of which there are eight), your final sum will be 72, which also happens to be the central angle of a pentagon. What else is a well known pentagon? None other than THE Pentagon, the headquarters of the Department of Defense. This is the very same Department of Defense that launched the Iraq War so that they could unearth the Tomb of Gilgamesh. In other words, you must inform your parents of this unholy connection, so that you can avoid the satanic energies that are present at all Ivy League campuses.

Diego (15 years old): I’m being bullied at school and I don’t know how to get help, what do I do?

Answer: Diego, it is clear to me that you are either being targeted by federal agents with directed-energy weapons, or that you have fallen victim to psychic attacks by the Annunaki. In case it is the former, I recommend that you equip yourself with a set of anti-low vibration crystals, which are available on my website for $99 each, in addition to a $400 course on how to use them. On the other hand, if you are being mentally assaulted by the Annunaki, please wait until Nibiru is in line with the rest of the planets in the solar system, and then perform an Enochian ritual to curse your foe. Your enemies will be vanquished in no time.

Ryan (17 years old): My grades are pretty bad and I’m worried about my future. How can I get back on the right track?

Answer: Ryan, your future doesn’t matter anymore because the rapture will occur within a few weeks’ time.  If you are a true god-fearing QAnon patriot, you will heed this message and begin microdosing bleach to purify your soul. Be grateful, Ryan, because soon you will get to join Ronald Reagan, L. Ron Hubbard, and Jesus Christ in heaven. What’s even better is that if you are a white, cisgender, heterosexual male you are admitted to super-duper heaven, where you’ll be treated to an eternity of automatic rifles and crying blue-haired liberals. Trump bless you, Ryan.

Lee (16 years old): Do you believe that the Earth is flat?

Answer: Of course not, everyone knows that the Earth is round; it’s been proven by science. Don’t believe everything you see online.