The Virginia Department of Education (VDOE) has announced that Virginia will move forward with a proposed draft of social studies standards that will, in the words of the draft, “just get rid of the dang thing.” This move comes after weeks of intense criticism from stakeholders, parents, teachers, students and academics over the January draft, which controversially included such changes as omitting the words “fascism” and “diversity.”
“I just think this is the right thing to do,” said Secretary of Education Aimee Rogstad Guidera. “I mean really. We got a lot of complaints that certain things weren’t added or age appropriate. Our team really decided the best way to make an unbiased, comprehensive curriculum is the most simple way; not have a curriculum at all.”
Among other highlights, the new policy includes the mention of absolutely zero historical events. It revolutionarily offers absolutely no information on any controversial or non-controversial topics. It took the highly qualified, selective curriculum development committee a grand three hours of careful deliberation and perilous focus to prepare the draft.
“I hate social studies. I mean, listen to the name. Social studies. Sounds communist to me,” said Joe Betti of Odessa, Delaware. Betti, who works as a roof mechanic and part-time union buster, was called in personally by Governor Glenn Youngkin as an expert advisor on history. “What these kids need to learn is how to fix a roof. I mean, there are loads of things to know about roofs. There are all different types of roofs. Hip roofs, Mansard roofs, Gable roofs . . .” Betti went on to describe roof maintenance to Theogony for five hours.
Youngkin praised the VDOE for its bold, decisive move. As the VDOE building in Richmond where he had originally scheduled his speech caught on fire, Youngkin discreetly moved down to City Hall to deliver a public address.
“This is democracy,” said Youngkin, narrowly dodging a textbook flung at his head by a somewhat deranged U.S. Government teacher. “I am beyond pleased with the work of these esteemed, unbiased individuals in creating a draft that truly puts our children’s futures first, by focusing on just that: the future.” Youngkin reportedly had prepared around five minutes more of the speech, but was interrupted by security as a disgruntled World History teacher, Paul DeOllins of Alexandria, began to charge directly at the podium, running and screaming with a speed and pitch both currently being investigated by the Guinness World Records.
“To my students, you still have Chapter 28 Ts and Qs due tonight,” DeOllins said to reporters on call from his cell. On the running, DeOllins only said, “I got a call from the Olympics sprinting coach a few minutes ago. Seems like a decent enough deal. Might check it out.”
Of course, education must be approached from the lens of not teachers, academics, or even educational policy experts, but the most informed of all: parents who are not in the building. Theogony decided to get a pulse-check on Alexandria’s most undervalued and yet most crucial experts in all things schools.
Elizabeth Hutchingson, mother of Ryleigh-Brianne, 11, was delighted by this move. “I think the real node of education must be at home,” said Hutchingson. “After all, schools are supposed to teach kids the things parents can’t. Math, science, that’s the real stuff. That’s what they ought to be dealing with. When we start talking about history, that’s when it gets all messy. Poor Ryleigh-Brianne could be confused. Just the other day, she started talking to me about Malcolm X. X? What does X stand for? I mean, it’s just befuddling. You know, that’s the liberal agenda. To befuddle our kids. And that’s what worries me. I just want an unbiased curriculum. And how can there be bias if it’s not there? It’s the best choice for everyone involved.”
Tess Tennison of Alexandria agreed with Hutchingson. “I heard they had some kind of spirit week where they had to wear black to celebrate, I don’t know, people of color. I mean, talk about critical race theory. Imagine how the kids must feel about something like that! This is really the only way to ensure our kids are learning the real values this country was founded on. This is a nation under God. Been like that since 1774 and will remain so or so help me Lord!”
Tennison kicked Theogony interviewers out of her house after being informed that ‘under God’ was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954 and the country was founded in 1776, yelling, “Communist critical race theory!” as Theogony departed from her driveway.
Daniel Synder, father of two, wasn’t as happy. “Have you all lost your [redacted] minds?” he said at a public comment session in Mount Vernon, before yielding the rest of his time to his son.
Rhys Synder, 14, who initially thought the hearing was about the TikTok ban, had to improvise his slightly complicated speech on the spot. “I mean, I think we should probably learn history. Seems kind of important, I guess. But then again, my older brother’s in APUSH, and he says that’s a lot of work. I really don’t want to do Ts and Qs. I mean, Honors Civics is bad enough already, and that’s just honors. So, I mean, maybe it’s for the best. I don’t know. I’m fourteen. Has anyone considered asking the teachers?” Rhys was promptly booed off-stage by the attendees of the public comment for uttering the word ‘teacher,’ an immense taboo amongst VDOE members.
Rhys’s best friend, Cardwell J. Levi, 14, chewing Red-40 flavored bubblegum while simultaneously listening to “Boy’s a liar Pt. 2” and watching Family Guy overlaid with mobile game footage, did not speak at the hearing session, but spoke to Theogony after his screen time for TikTok ran out.
“If we do not understand the mistakes of our past, we may not rectify and salvage the openness of our future. It is within the nature of man to disguise ourselves from ugly truths, to cower underneath the gaping eyes of history and the rawness of reality. It is the most elusive facade of all of history’s purported winners to be glorious, just. But there is no valor in lying, nor in obscurity, nor hiding. If this new policy is to continue, we shield our eyes from not only various horrors of the past, but the terrors they indicate of the future,” Levi said, before promptly turning to YouTube Shorts after finding a channel that posted clips of South Park overlaid with woodcarving.
Theogony reached out to several social studies teachers for comments but at this time has not received any responses. Approaches to social studies teachers’ doors are discouraged at this time, as the pitch of their screams is not suitable for the human ear.
