2024 is a presidential election year in the United States. Joe Biden, the Democratic nominee, the current President and the first president to refuse to take a cognitive assessment, is facing off against the GOP nominee and former president Donald J. Trump, who is currently on trial for four charges, including “conspiracy to defraud the United States.” As if that didn’t convince you of how qualified these candidates are, the 2024 election is set to be the oldest presidential election in the history of the United States with the combined age of the candidates being 158. Between these two stellar picks, many voters are lost on who to vote for. Theogony took it upon ourselves to find some alternatives for the upcoming election.
Waylon Fleshrender IV (Age: 64, b. Hell, Michigan), is an independent candidate who identifies as a “respectable moderate.” He was encouraged to get into politics by his mother, who “saw [him] throwing firecrackers into rabbit burrows in the yard one day, and knew that [he] was born a politician.” When he came of age, Waylon went to study political science at Penn State. He says his political inspirations were Andrew Jackson and Mussolini. Soon after, he acquired a job at the Pentagon, where he says that he took joy in “personally directing Patriot Missiles at civilian infrastructure.” After his time at the Pentagon, he decided to take some time off, which is when he took up hunting.
“When I’m hunting, I feel a sort of peace, y’know? There’s just an indescribable feeling when you see the light of life exit a wounded animal’s eyes that makes you feel all warm and tingly on the inside,” remarked Fleshrender.
Waylon Fleshrender is looking to be elected to presidential office with the slogan of “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.”
“I can’t remember where I heard it, but I really liked it,” he said.
Colton Abernathy (Age: Unknown, b. Jamestown, Virginia), a member of the Federalist Party, is seeking election to the presidential office this November. His campaign’s agenda is focused on of immigration, stating that “We need to keep those [explicit] Germans and Irish out of our country.” Abernathy cites his inspiration as Aaron Burr, saying, “He showed that fool Jefferson what for!”
Theogony asked Mr. Abernathy how he feels about corporate lobbying, to which he responded, “The only corporation I take money from is British East India Company.” Abernathy is also very opinionated on the issues regarding the Second Amendment.,
“I am extremely for the second amendment! Personally, I own a musket and a cannon armed with grapeshots for home defense purposes. If no one is armed, how are the town militias supposed to work?” When asked if he had any other issues he’d like to discuss, Mr. Abernathy went on a passionate tangent about how “we shouldn’t ever have to quarter Brits in our homes.”
Joe Norm (Age: 32, b. Lebanon, Kansas) is a candidate who self identifies as an “enlightened centrist.” He seeks to find a compromise between both sides of the political spectrum. When Theogony asked Norm for his stance on climate change, he responded, “Climate change may or may not be real, and we should maybe seek to possibly cut our alleged carbon emissions.”
Mr. Norm also remarked on the drug epidemic in America, “Drugs are generally not good,” he said, refusing to elaborate.
Because Mr. Norm is a centrist, Theogony asked him what he thought about the extremes on both sides of the political compass. “Critics say I am a right-wing apologist, which is absolutely true. That was a great call by the critics,” remarks Norm. Joe Norm says he “prides himself on being a bipartisan politician who is open to compromise with everyone except those even mildly left-leaning.”
Hayden Johnson (Age: 43, b. Portland, Oregon) is a part of the Soviet People’s Worker’s Liberation Communist Party, a center-left political institution. As a leftist, Johnson identifies with the ideology of Marxism-Bidenism-Obama thought.
When asked about other left-leaning candidates Mr. Johnson remarked, “All of the other leftist candidates have the wrong ideology. Only my ideology is the right one. All of the other ones are liberal and counter-revolutionary.” Johnson went on to say, “Biden is a real socialist! Marx, Mao, Stalin: they were all fake, and didn’t fully grasp basic socialist principles.”
When Theogony asked Johnson what he thought about the current state of America, he responded with the following: “America is, at its core, a socialist state and the true successor to the Soviet Union, thanks to Comrade Obama and his efforts.”
With two parties that are almost completely ideologically identical, Theogony hopes to have made it easier for you to choose a candidate for the upcoming election. It also raises the question of just how many votes these candidates will take away from the Boomer and Silent Generation candidates. Before this article, a voter’s options were like a board members meeting of the National Rifle Association: old, warmongering and indifferent to the world around them. With that being said, no committing election fraud, no storming the Capitol and happy voting!
