Last Saturday, a large group of toddlers gathered outside of vice presidential candidate and Time magazine’s 2024 “Most Awkward Man in America,” JD Vance’s Alexandria residence. Protests erupted after the Secret Service shut down his street, which was home to a popular playground across the way from Vance’s abode. Children rallied at his house in the early hours of the morning holding lightsabers and NERF guns shouting “Bring back the park, bring back the park!” One child climbed up to a window of Vance’s house and shouted, “Will you reopen the park if you win?” before being pried off the house by four Secret Service agents. For a brief moment, Vance and his family could be seen moving through the house upstairs as a result of the near-breach of his home.
The situation escalated when some children began to beat a Dollar Tree pinata modeled after Vance, causing candy to pour out of his bashed paper mache body. After a brief scramble for the sweets, the toddlers became even more rambunctious as a result of a mass sugar high, or, as one onlooker called it: “sugar hysteria”. This development required the present Secret Service members to retreat into the house and take fortified positions. Later on, a few Secret Service agents left the house and drove to the nearest Target to buy additional NERF guns in an attempt to counter the sugar-fueled children. To take the pressure off Vance, the Secret Service declared a NERF war against the riled up kids that made it easier to break the front lines of the mob.
The protest finally began to die down as the pre-school protestors fell victim to a collective sugar-crash, after which the Secret Service began to distribute blankets and read nap-time stories. By 1:43 p.m., about eight hours after the protest first began, the children, who were all fast-asleep by this point, began to be escorted off the premises by traumatized Secret Service members. Many parents were thankful for this non-violent reaction and handling of the situation, with one parent giving thanks to the Secret Service for saving them from a days worth of complaining about missing morning playtime at the park.
Theogony political correspondent Dan G. Ruskids said that the events of that morning would be “extremely damaging” for Trump and Vance in the 4-12 year-old demographic. With this situation brought to light, Trump and Vance’s reputation were slightly affected, as shown in recent polls across the country. Theogony reached out to the Alexandria Police Department, who confirmed that the leader of the rally was sent back to their respective preschool and subsequently put in the timeout corner. Later that day, the Secret Service consulted Vance about possibly opening the street in hopes that something of this magnitude would not happen again to Vance. Democratic Presidential candidate Kamala Harris posted a campaign ad where she addressed the playground protest, stating that if she was elected the government would have no authority over any United States playground.
Editors note: For non-satirical information about the daily status of Judy Lowe neighborhood park, which directly border’s Vance’s home and will now be intermittently closed for his safety, visit www.alexandriava.gov/JudyLowePark.
