BREAKING—On December 9, 2025 Alexandria City Public Schools Director of Safety and Security Services Les Bonroy announced that potentially-tainted Christmas cookies were seized from a student at the King St. Campus.
An email was sent out to Alexandria City High School students, families, and staff later in the day.
“I am writing to inform you about a student who attempted to smuggle poisoned cookies onto school premises, which constitutes an extreme security threat to all staff and students,” said Bonroy.
According to school nurse Sandra Clause, the public health impact of tainted cookies will be minimal. “A toxicology report revealed that the cookies were tainted with trace amounts of laxatives, so just expect some students to have to spend an extended period of time using the bathroom,” said Clause.
This incident marks the administration’s most recent recommitment to a longstanding ban on all homemade foodstuffs in school. The initial ban came after major pastry dealer Cook E. Lauver rose to prominence in 2016. While the ban did not completely stop students from trafficking and distributing baked goods, criminal activities were reduced until now. To combat the sugar-fueled racketeering, administrators proposed new metal detectors that screen for “suspiciously cookie-shaped items.”
“We had a handle on it in the last few years, but the recent resurgence of cookie trafficking is making things harder to uphold,” said a security guard who opted to remain anonymous. “Central Office underestimates how many people are embroiled in this desert distribution network.”
“I think it was a way to attack rival pastry dealers,” said Ian Thenowe, a former associate of Cook E. Lauver. “One of our guys’ must have been slinging chips in another syndicate’s territory, so they retaliated.”
The ACHS administration is now tasked with diffusing an intensifying conflict between two illegal pastry cartels. “Rest assured that we are going to neutralize these confection-loving criminals,” said Bonroy. “This is a war on desserts.”
