In a bold new proposal to address the ever-worsening bus shortages at ACHS, school officials announced that students should simply run between campuses. The decision came shortly after an incident involving beloved track coach José Carlos Montoya, who after witnessing his girlfriend cheating on him, sprinted from King Street to Minnie Howard at speed previously considered to be unattainable for humans.
“We’ve been working on different ways to solve the bus shortages for months,” said Executive Principal Alejandro Pumpkin. “But after seeing Coach Montoya sprint to the other campus in 30 seconds, it became clear the answer to all our problems was in front of us the whole time: running. It’s faster, healthier and doesn’t require a single bus.”
Reports indicate that the student body was so impressed with Montoya’s speed that some began to try and replicate the clip, with many students running to class to avoid the dreaded hall-sweep.
Students have also started trading tips to perfect their techniques with freshman Ming Guh saying, “I used to be a bus user, but I found myself always getting hall-swept. It was a bit of getting used to, running with a backpack and all, but I just used the will that Coach Montoya showed and now I beat the bus there.”
District administrators are now considering adding a new unit to the school’s physical education curriculum called “speed running.”
“We’re calling it the ‘Montoya Method,’” said gym teacher Missy Nancy’all, who is now expected to be the host of a mandatory school-wide ultramarathon after school hours. “It’s not about being fast, it’s about running through your problems. Quite literally.”
While some are a bit weary, many students have already begun to embrace the changes.
“The bus was always packed. Sometimes I even had to sit on the floor,” said junior Nonnie Phonies. “After seeing Coach Montoya run, I realized that this is clearly the better way of transportation. Not only can I run from the school, but I can also run from my feelings.”
The transportation department has also embraced the changes stating that it will help reduce congestion from traffic and parking issues. However, some have voiced concerns about the track field, which was not made for a 4500-person sprint.
“We may need to add some more lanes,” commented Chief Operating Officer Alice Myocardium. “But if this initiative takes off, we could have a real solution.”
As for Montoya, he has yet to comment on his new-found success, although many sources have said he has been rigorously training in case another emotionally-charged incident occurs.
Sandy Barnie • Apr 1, 2025 at 10:37 am
Montoya’s Method changed my life. 10/10. Thank you so much for your insightful reporting Cashew Donezo. I am your most passionate supporter.
Sandy Barnie • Apr 1, 2025 at 10:36 am
Montoya, por favor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!