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The Student News Site of Alexandria City High School

Theogony

The Student News Site of Alexandria City High School

Theogony

The Student News Site of Alexandria City High School

Theogony

Poor man being terrorized by known reptilian George W. Bush.

Alternative Facts Advice Column

Oswald Clinton, Truth Seeker October 7, 2025

Cassandra (17 years old): My parents want me to go to an Ivy League college, but I’m not so sure I want to. What should I do? Answer: Dear Cassandra, since you do not seem to have opened your third...

Scenes from the cafeteria as a duel ensues.

Refusal to Share Wi-Fi Password Ends in Duel

Sary Alcala Shehadeh, Staff Writer October 7, 2025

On Sep. 18, 2025, the ACHS students received devastating news that the Wi-Fi password had been changed. Widespread chaos ensued. Students frantically searched for answers, asking if anyone knew the Wi-Fi...

APPS launched a large-scale lawsuit against the Youngkin Administration for “intolerable bigotry by the Commonwealth of Virginia against our phoneyness.”

Class Action Discrimination Lawsuit Filed Against Alexandria City Public Schools by New Phone Anti-Discrimination Union

Byron Libresco, Staffer October 7, 2025

Alexandrian Phone Posse for no Segregation (APPS), a new anti-discrimination union run by phones, just launched a large-scale lawsuit against the Youngkin Administration for “intolerable bigotry by the...

Students exploring the EVIL club fair.

Thegony’s Guide to New Clubs at ACHS

Max Carpenter, Editor September 24, 2025

Following an excellent showing at the club fair, it’s clear that the Alexandria City High School community is continuing to provide a unique assortment of student organizations. Students of all grades...

Graphic by Rozalia Finkelstein for Theogony

Environmental Science Students Stung, Causes National Economy Collapse

Lillian Coulby and Rozalia Finkelstein September 12, 2025

The first week of school took a turn for the worse on Wednesday, August 20 when Patricia Evertson's AP Environmental Science class was brutally attacked by yellowjackets during an outdoor biodiversity...

Graphic by Byron Libresco for Theogony.

Students Seized in Skipping Scandal

Byron Libresco, Staff Writer September 11, 2025

Over the last week, 18 students have been apprehended attempting to skip their class at the King St. campus during the transition to Minnie Howard. Administrators are still trying to find the motives of...

Playboi Carti Drops 3-Hour Experimental Spoken-Word Album

Playboi Carti Drops 3-Hour Experimental Spoken-Word Album

Max Carpenter, Editor March 12, 2025

Thursday evening, renowned rapper and chronic procrastinator Playboi Carti surprised fans by releasing his third studio album several hours early. Elated supporters from around the world flooded popular...

Central Office Struggles to Keep Mandate of Heaven

Central Office Struggles to Keep Mandate of Heaven

John Pork, Editor March 6, 2025

FAIRLINGTON PROVINCE — The divinely ordained empress and matriarch of the Cee-Howett Dynasty, Melon, has reaffirmed her and her royal court’s universal rule through heavenly correspondence with otherworldly...

Virginia Education Board to Ban Social Studies

Virginia Education Board to Ban Social Studies

Yahney-Marie Sangaré, Editor April 1, 2023
The Virginia Department of Education (VDOE) has announced that Virginia will move forward with a proposed draft of social studies standards that will, in the words of the draft, “just get rid of the dang thing.” This move comes after weeks of intense criticism from stakeholders, parents, teachers, students and academics over the January draft, which controversially included such changes as omitting the words “fascism” and “diversity.”
Bathrooms locked

School Bathrooms Locked: Students And Teachers Struggle For Access

April 1, 2023
Students scavenge the school for an open bathroom while pregnant teacher reasons with security guards to use bathroom.
Exclusive: Theogony Speaks to George Santos

Exclusive: Theogony Speaks to George Santos

April 1, 2023
In an exclusive interview, Theogony spoke to George Santos, the controversial Republican House Representative from New York. 
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